I found this little song and it’s like a prayer in a song. I guess the author wrote it while going through cancer. Although I cannot realte to that kind of day to day stress, I feel this song is light enough for the rest of us. It’s called “Be OK” by Igrid Michellson.

01_-_be_ok.mp3

So, again I was looking at my ISU transcript and grimicing. My GPA is 2.53…yikes. Now, I’m at a 3.92. Oh, how the years go by.

I had a dream last night that I got my grades back and my first class yielded a D+ grade. D+, gotta love it. I do have a couple of those on my transcript. Why, oh why did I not retake those classes and hanker down and pass them? Because I was a selfish punk nosed jerk, that’s why.

I am a different student now. I will churn out and give you exactly the paper you want. I will turn everything in and show up for the classes. Too bad I couldn’t have figured this out 11 plus years ago. Then I wouldn’t have the slacker nightmares.

Deja vu.

When I first started this blog, I wrote a post about a job loss. I was bitter, angry and anxious. Now, this round of layoff, I’m really looking forward to a change. My few classes have found me with new found confidence and hope for the future. Why did I wait so long to do this?

I think I have a job in the works. The pay is less, but the job is where my heart is and where my son is, nine hours a day. We still have to talk it through on the home front, but I feel like this is the window that has opened when a door was shut, so to speak.

Until then, I’m stuck at my job until the end of the week, cleaning up, being professional and trying to dwell on the negative. Surpisingly, I’m doing okay.

One of the most surprising things about being a mother is the enormous about of guilt I feel on a regular basis. If all mothers feel this way, (and I’m guessing they do) I’d like to take this moment and apologize to my mother for

A.) All of my teens and 20s

B.) Ever judging her parenting skills and

C.) Neglecting to thank her for her saint-like qualities.

Holy crap! I had no idea pre-children, that as a mother, if a child feels uncomfortable, sad, or angry and it’s in anyway indirectly because of you, as a mother, you feel as though you should perform hari-kari on yourself.

I’ve been taking two classes a week this past month. That’s two nights, for about 3 hours before bedtime; Zach is alone without me and only his Dad. During that time they get along fine. Zach loves his Daddy. But on Thursday night, he clings to me and only wants me around. No Daddy!! Needless to say it makes Mark feel bad and me, FEEL GUILT like I’ve never felt before.  I honestly feel guiltier than if I’d actually done something on purpose.

This morning the true aftermath of the two nights a week abandonment reared its ugly head. Once at the daycare parking lot he started saying, “No, I don’t want to go.” I got him a muffin, took off his coat, sat him down and kissed him goodbye. I made it successfully around the corner when Zach comes bursting out the classroom door, running down the hallway, arms flailing, yelling “Mommy!!”

The daycare teacher swooped him up and carried him away, reminiscent of a scene from a movie with a psych ward. Heartbreaking. I won’t be able to talk to him again until tomorrow morning.

Auuugh! The guilt!

I need to remind myself that this career move will benefit everyone in the end with more breaks, similar schedules and hopefully more family time.

I have had the weirdest dreams the past few nights. Most of them are so odd I couldn’t even begin to put them into words.

Last night I dreamt that Mcain was elected and I was upset. It was a very dark and doomed dream. I also dreamed that I saw Obama smoking outside my office building. He was surround by lots of people, friendly and social but he was chain smoking. Odd.

Do you see what math does to my mind? It’s frightening!

I have two classes this month: child psychology and math.

At least I’ll be able to determin where in my cognitive development I am stunted and unable to learn math.

I have two clasess a week in October. One is up in Westminster, which will be a drive after work. And it’s a MATH CLASS (eeeeeek!!)

I have done the math review and the math refresher and I’m feeling pretty good. As long as they don’t throw some calc at me (AHHHHHHH!) I think I’ll be okay.

Those of you who know math and know me, I know your phone number so watch out!

Here’s a frightening story. The last time I attempted a math class my math book was peed on by someone I didn’t know. The book was destroyed and I got a D. College is good for those gross tales.

Uh, yeah. That’s my backyard. Okay, where do I start?

Last night at about 9:45 p.m. my husband let the dogs out in the backyard. Then this car smashed through our psuedo masonry fence (HOA property). My husband saw the driver and asked if he was okay. The driver then took off on foot.

Police and tow truck were called. Then we couldn’t sleep. The police found pay stubs and a McDonald’s work shirt in his car. The car was registered to somebody.

Hopefully he didn’t run with a concusion and end up dead somewhere. We are lucky this is the only bad thing that has happened to us in a long time. We live in a world where much worse things happen to people constantly. Still, I keep hearing Cartman from South Park sing Elvis Prestly’s “In the Getto.”

Cars they smash right in your back yard

In the gett-o-o, In the gett-o-o

And the mama cried

In the gett-o-o, In the gett-o-o

Last night all my top teeth fell out.

In my dream, that is.

According to my husband, that’s a sign of anxiety.

Tonight is my first day back to school in over ten years. I’m very nervous. I keep reviewing and reviewing math. I don’t even have a math class yet, or a math test anytime soon, but it will be coming. It will be coming with it’s mathly vengence.

I’m hoping in a year from now, or sooner, I’ll think, this is the way it was suppose to be. This is the way it had to go. But right now I have a few twinges of doubt that make my teeth fall out. Maybe I need a bite guard.

I did it!

I registered for the Masters Degree in Elementary Education program. I am so freaked out, but in a good way. This feels like a real, exciting, yet scary change. I start August 12.

I know I can do it, but I’m nervous. I’m sure I’m way in over my head. But sometimes that’s the surest way to feel confident about your swimming, when it saves your life.