When I look at pregnant women, like all sane people, I think, “She’s so beautiful, she’s glowing!”
But yesterday I saw a god-awful picture of myself from pregnancy. I looked like a whale. It was the nightmare picture. At the time, I felt like a whale, but everyone kept saying, “You’re so cute. You’re glowing.” So, I thought that my perception of myself must be affected by hormones. After looking at yesterday’s photo I titled “Circus Freak in Hot Pink”, I realize there were no hormones involved. I was huge.Thank god for Weight Watchers. Now I’m back to my Bridget Jones’ body-type self and no longer on casting call for a remake of “The Blob.” Of course, there is still along way to go, and by a long way, I mean 20 pounds, and that would make me a “chubby actress” by Hollywood standards. Who am I kidding, I’d be a co-star on “Fat Actress.”Today I saw a pregnant lady and as I was looking at her thinking, “Wow, she’s so beautiful. She’s glowing!”Then I heard her say to her husband, “God damn it! We better not have to wait! I fucking hate it when we have to wait.” Memories, precious memories

Me: taking the “hot” out of hot pink.

I pushed the elevator button on my way up to my office. The doors opened and I noticed a man waiting for the elevator. He walked slowly toward the door.

“Do you want me to hold this for you?” I asked.

He stood there, looked in the elevator, then looked up at the top of the elevator and said, “Um, no. This is the creepy elevator.” Then he walked away.

Uh huh, sure. Its the elevator that’s creepy.

About two months ago Mark and I were watching an interview with Jerry Seinfeld. He was talking about the difference between having a boy and having a girl. He said the main difference was that “boys think their head is a helmet.” We laughed. Now two months later, we find its no joke, its true and it ain’t so funny.

Our child is only 8 1/2 months old and already he is suffering from delusional ideas of invincibility I didn’t expect to see him display until he was at least 15. He can stand by pulling himself up, only. That does not deter him from letting go of said object, then falling down on his face and crying, shocked again by the idea of gravity.

Another idea he hasn’t quite grasped is that the bed has a steep edge, and he cannot, Road Runner style; keep crawling off the edge of the bed, into thin air. He’s even crawled off the bed once (the source of my first grey hair) and lived to tell about it, but still continues to believe he can defeat physics.

It really doesn’t surprise me. It’s probably genetic. My husband was dubbed “a bull in a china shop” by age two by his grandfather, shortened later to “bully.” He broke numerous bones, was knocked unconscious and gashed by running head on into a gym door and his mother saved his front teeth in a glass of milk in elementary school. These stories were cute, before I had a son.

I’m starting to understand why mothers in the 1950’s kept their kids in playpens and took a mother’s little helper.

God help me when he does really dangerous things like riding a bike or jumping off of things with costume capes on.

Oh, yeah, that was me before I got married and had kids! Well, maybe I wasn’t quite that bad. I did think about one woman I knew before I read this article. She lives in Kansas City….as far as I know. I wonder if this lady will go around bragging about holding the record! “Yep, I can drink ya’ll under the table. I hold the record in five counties!”

 REDMOND, Wash. (AP) - A Woodinville woman arrested following two car crashes last week registered a .47 blood-alcohol content on a breath test - nearly six times the legal intoxication threshold and possibly a state record. Deana F. Jarrett, 54, was taken to Evergreen Hospital as a precaution following her arrest April 11, the Washington State Patrol said Wednesday. No one was injured in the accidents.Jarrett blew the .47 on a portable breath tester after she collided with two other vehicles in quick succession, the patrol said. A check of all 356,000 breath tests administered since 1998 in Washington turned up only 35 above .40 - and none of those was higher than .45.The legal intoxication threshold in Washington is .08.Jarrett did not appear to have a listed phone number, and it was not clear if she had obtained a lawyer.

 It was probably not clear if she had any active brain cells left…

“If you don’t have a point to make
Don’t sweat it
You’ll make a sharp one being so kind
And I’d sure appreciate it
Everyone else’s goal’s to get big headed
Why should I follow that beat being that I’m
Better than fine” –Fiona Apple

The other day I saw an old picture of Michael J. Fox and I flashed back to a time in the late 80s when I had a huuuuge poster of him on my closet door. It wasn’t Michael J. Fox that I had a crush on, it was his character Alex P. Keaton. I even wanted to name my son Alex for a long time. Luckily for my son’s sake, my husband picked his name. But why would anyone have a huge crush on a 5 foot tall man who played an arrogant brat? With this thought, I begin my post.

Alex (don’t forget the P.) Keaton

             
Dreamy?

The next bizzar celebrity crush I had was on Niles Crane. Not David Hyde Pierce who very well could be gay, but Niles Crane. Why would a 17 year-old girl find this skinny, balding man to be a sex symbol? Who knows? I thought he was hot. Thankfully they didn’t make giant posters of him in Teen Beat or I would have had one.

Looking for some hot stuff?

Yummy in glasses.

The next guy, maybe isn’t such a big stretch. I mean he is cute, sexy and funny…Oh wait, do I still have a geek crush on this guy? It is the notorious David Duchovny or as I like to call him, Fox Moulder. I still really don’t get this guy’s sex appeal. He’s really not that hot. Anyhoo, he made me all bothered in the early 90s.

Spooky.

Normal Dude

Which brings me to my last strange crush, Mark Ruffalo. I first noticed him in “Thirteen Going on Thirty”, then in the weeks following I found myself compulsivly watching him in “Almost Heaven”, ”Rumor has it” and that freaky movie where Meg Ryan gets naked. All the while staring at the screen with a strange sheepish grin. He cute. 

Some scruffy guy.      

The point it this, most of these “fantasy guys” are pretty average looking. But they’ve made lots of money as actors so I must not be alone in my smitten. These are suppose to be the ultimate fantasy men. The ones you get to put on that secret list.

Why am I not reaching higher? Why not Brad Pitt, George Clooney or the new James Bond? All those guys are bonafide hotties. When men pick their crushes its Angelina Jolie…not Jennifer Aniston (post the first Rolling Stone cover.) Catch my drift? It goes to show, personality goes a long way for women, even in our fantasy life.

These past few weeks I began the tough journey of finding good daycare for my son. He’s been lovingly cared for by my husband’s parents for this first year, but that ship will sail this fall. They loved it, had fun with it, but they are done, finito. They’re retired and hey, they have to travel the world and stuff. Time is ticking. I completely understand.

So far, the best choice is a non-denominational Christian church-based daycare. They consider themselves as more of a “mission” for children than a daycare. They take excellent care of the kids and plus I toured with several parents from the posh, hip, 30-something dewelling, neighborhoods of Denver. I will follow my peers in Gen X and they will show me the way.

Oddly enough, I’ve been getting strange reactions from people when I say its Christain. When did Christian anything become a deal breaker? Don’t get me wrong, I dislike bible bangers like the Praise the Lord hippocrates and Tammy Fay Baker, but general, garden variety Christians generally do a lot of good for communities.

Now days, certain liberals have made it uncool to be Christian and try and represent Christains as millitant controllers. The reality is, having serious “hater “issues with Christians is similar to saying, “God, I frickin’ hate those Buddists. What is up with all the meditation and chanting? Its so repressive!”

Their message is great, love one another. What toddler doesn’t need to hear that on a daily basis. Particularly my son who likes to pull hair and scratch eyeballs. And personally, they can sing “Jesus loves me” ten times a day as long as they take loving care of my baby boy. Honestly, what does more harm Baby “insert intellent historical figure here” videos or bible stories and songs? Jesus isn’t nearly as creapy as those trippy images or sock puppets.

I say, up with being a Jesus Freak if you want to be. And where did that phrase come from? I rarely see Christians do anything that makes them freaky. They are less likely to get body piercings, tribal face tatoos, wear gang colors or drive cars with obnoxious amounts of bass in their stereo systems. Even the people that come to my door to talk to me about Jehovah only want to give me a couple of paper magazines to read. Its really up to me if I chose to believe that Dinosaurs and humans lived together in the same geological era or whatever theory they offer.

I say, no matter your belief, stay open minded. Ideas don’t bite.

When I found out at 20 weeks that I was pregnant with a boy, figured I’d have to be clued in on a few things that I did not know about being a male, despite having two very vocal brothers.

The one thing I must have forgotten about is the endless euphemisms for the penis and testicles. As conservative as you may be, some of these pet names for these body parts sound worse than the medical terms, by far.

If you looked at my recent photos you’ll see what I thought was a cute, naked baby crawling out the room. I was focused on the butt. But much to Mark’s dismay, there was also a clear shot of the “coin purse.” He censored the “package” on the photo leaving the Rated G image of the baby butt. Which is weird, how can a baby butt be rated G and baby boy parts rated R? They must only use girls on those adorable ads on TV showing baby butts.

Again, the uncensored photo was shown at Easter to which my brother in law stated, “Oh, it’s the ham and the eggs.” Gross. I’m sorry. I don’t get it. Why all the weird names? I’ll be sure to keep my child in a loin cloth from now on.

Unsupervised 5th-graders had sex in classroom, cops say

April 4, 2007

ASSOCIATED PRESS

NEW ORLEANS — Five fifth-grade students face criminal charges after authorities said four of them had sex in front of other students in an unsupervised classroom and kept a classmate posted as a lookout for teachers.

The students were arrested Tuesday at the Spearsville school in rural north Louisiana, authorities said. Two 11-year-old girls, a 12-year-old boy and a 13-year old boy were charged with obscenity, a felony. An 11-year-old boy, the alleged guard, was charged with being an accessory.

“After 44 years of doing this work, nothing shocks me anymore,” said Union Parish Sheriff Bob Buckley. “But this comes pretty close.”

Authorities said the incident happened March 27 at the school, which houses students from kindergarten through 12th grade. A high school teacher normally watches the fifth-grade class at the time, but went to an assembly for older students and the class was inadvertently left unattended, Buckley said.

The class, which had around 10 other students, was alone for about 15 minutes, he said.

“When no teacher showed up, the four began to have sex in the classroom with the other elementary students in the classroom with them,” he said.

It took a day for authorities to find out about the incident. A student who had been in the class told a high school student about it the next day, Buckley said. The student told a teacher, and school officials notified the sheriff’s office. Detectives began questioning students on Thursday.

Not only are these kids having sex they are putting on a pee-wee porn show! So disturbing. I can’t imagine this happening with a bunch of Seniors in high school let alone fifth-graders! Nasty. I hope someone actually has a conversation about sex with these kids. They are in desperate need of some guidence.